One year later...still looking for the rainbow!

On July 31, 2012 after about two weeks of bed rest I found out that our baby had died. 

Early on Aug 1, 2013 I delivered my precious baby boy Steven Thomas.

 

I had experienced death before. My big sister died at age 39 of cancer. I miscarried our baby Francis Jude 21 years ago at 7 weeks. I was with my daddy and my mommy when they both died. I again miscarried Hope Grace two years ago at 9 weeks. When I found out I was pregnant with our Steven Thomas, I was very nervous. I had to go to a specialist due to being 44 years old and they had me come monthly to make sure the baby was fine. Well, after a couple of visits the specialist told me I didn't have to come monthly and he said I could even use a midwife in the hospital and deliver naturally.  All was going great, I was on top of my game...never was I happier! When you get older, you appreciate and not take for granite being pregnant. I was on cloud nine! Then out of no where...my water broke around 17 weeks! This was pretty crazy, especially since my water usually breaks during delivery and I am always late...one baby was even born 15 days late and another 19 days! When I was told that my baby had no chance of survival I was a mess. I felt like the rug was ripped out from under my feet and God had played a dirty trick on us! We prayed like never before and even had a person in each state  praying, as well as someone in all the continents! Everyone on Facebook was on watch with me and prayers were coming from everywhere. Wow...it was wonderful.

Well, the Good Lord decided it was time for Steven Thomas to be home with him and we mourned like we have never have before. It was so heart breaking for my husband and I. We were grateful for our 13 living and amazing children, but a part of us was gone and we couldn't seem to shake it off. For months I cried my self to sleep and to crack a smile was very rare. For those who know me I am usually an up beat, hyper, happy person. Or obnoxious, for those melancholy people like my husband who just want to smack my extroverted sanguine self! Well, I thought that after my due date on Dec 13, I would be better...than the New Year...than a healing mass...but here I am one year later and still my sad self. I am better...but not like I thought I would be. I guess I am mourning my fertility as well as my baby. That was pretty much my last chance, even tho I pray and hope each day for another. I know God is walking with me in a new phase of life. I have tried to embrace the suffering and offer it up for all my children and the unborn, vocations, my friends with cancer, etc...

So, I will continue to get up...keep praying, take care of my husband and children and love my family and friends! I continue to pray for people who have lost a loved one. I know so many people who have suffered way more than me. Please Lord bless them all and give them your love and strength.

THY WILL BE DONE!!! +JMJ+