SORROW OF HEART (part two)
Consider yourself unworthy of divine solace and deserving rather of much tribulation. When a man is perfectly contrite, the whole world is bitter and wearisome to him.
A good man always finds enough over which to mourn and weep; whether he thinks of himself or of his neighbor he knows that no one lives here without suffering, and the closer he examines himself the more he grieves. (my first experience with spiritual direction was like this. I told my holy advisor that after months of going to him, I felt worse. He explained that my life was like a window and God is the light the closer I get to him the better I see the smudges!!!)
The sins and vices in which we are so entangled that we can rarely apply ourselves to the contemplation of heaven are matters for just sorrow and inner remorse. (we need to make ourselves aware of our vices so to prepare ourselves for strength against them-virtues overcoming our vices)
I do not doubt that you would correct yourself more earnestly if you would think more of an early death than of a long life. And if you pondered in your heart the future pains of hell or of purgatory, I believe you would willingly endure labor (I could talk days about this) and trouble and would fear no hardship. But since these thoughts never pierce the heart and since we are enamored of flattering pleasure, we remain very cold and indifferent. Our wretched body complains so easily because our soul is altogether too lifeless. (I need to embrace the little crosses in life so to be better prepared for the big ones)
Pray humbly to the Lord, therefore, that He may give you the spirit of contrition and say with the Prophet: "Feed me, Lord, with the bread of mourning and give me to drink of tears in full measure." (that is a tough prayer to say...just as when I was a new mom I had to spend a long time in front of the blessed sacrament to be able to say, "death before mortal sin"{like St. Blanche and St. Dominic Savio's mom} about myself and my children)
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